email void
they finally turned off our email - we hadn't paid for the service in almost three years
so I searched my folders to find people who (I cared about) still email that address and don't seem to use the newer one
I sent them all an email address change update
it sure is mercury retrograde
I have only heard back from one person
I was starting to doubt that any email was working at all
it was like my communications were sent out into the ethers and evaporated
turns out the roman numerals of dave's mom's diagnosis were miscommunicated and misunderstood over the virtual telephone
IV refers to the clark level, not the breslow stages
so while the news is not great, it's not as bad as we all thought
and then we got a call from our neighbor after dinner
who needed us to drive her to LAX because her mother just died
just like that
this has been the weirdest week
people not responding to my emails
people dying
and now off to get ready to buy bread and a pizza for a baby shower
...
received news last night that the melanoma removed from my mother-in-law's arm wasn't the stage II they first thought, that when the doctor said, "I think I got it all." emphasis was on the work "think."
it's really stage IV and they'll be cutting more out this time
I have serious doubts about this doctor's efficacy
and lots of feelings of anger that norma didn't/doesn't take better care of herself
selfishly - I'm not ready to lose another person in my life who offers unconditional love and support
so those are mostly feelings of self-pity and sadness
dave just stares across the table blankly
says he doesn't know how he feels, says he feels disconnected from his feelings
but I know that's not true - or at least completely accurate
he gives me more hugs and says how much he loves me
he must feel similar to how I feel
wanting to hang on to what he can
talk turns from facts
to vague descriptions of feelings
to questions of whether her "affairs" are in order
part of me thinks, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes right now - contemplating the end of a long life and inevitability of future events
and then another thinks - she knew. she says she knew and she put off taking care of it - isn't that really making a choice about what she wants? doctor after doctor she said, you should get that looked at.
but she chose to get caught up in her own overwhelm of her other health issues that she consciously ignored it
and there's muffy - already preparing myself for the onslaught of repetitive questions about the fate of her cat
I've told her for many years and repeatedly that we would take care of her if something were to happen
but norma gets her mind hooked on her favourite worry and won't release
selfishly - I want her to relocate down here - so that at least we can be close to her near the end - since the other siblings have had her close for so long
dave's brother said (in retrospect) she looked thinner and gaunt this past weekend
we looked at some pictures
she looked the same to us
red splotchy skin that's choked by cigarette smoke
I looked a picture of just her and felt drawn to her right underarm
I sat trying to remember which arm she just had the surgery on
of course - her right arm
it was not a good feeling
to feel intuitively drawn to that area...
lots hoppying
I've learned more about rabbits in the past two weeks than I have in my whole life
I know that rabbits use a special language to communicate
at that the rabbit that we found, that evidently someone is not interested in having back, is much happier when she has time to hop out of her cage and do binkies in a small pen
I think I may be eating better now that I have been buying "rabbit food"
spinach, carrots, zucchini, cucumbers, tomatoes, green peppers
I still love Shelby, our cat, more. she is much more affectionate.
